:: Article by Rod Cocking

Intro:
Did you know that less than 30% of 100 of the more prominent leaders in the Bible actually fulfilled their roles & finished well? … That means that two-thirds of Biblical leaders failed to leave behind the legacy of a life well lived! … Statistics from studies done in the 1990’s indicate that it is much more tragic among contemporary Christian leaders.

Given what the statistics on the state of play of our marriages is, it seems it’s an area of life where we aren’t doing much better. … And also given that the statistics are not that much different now between Christian & non-Christian marriage failure, it appears that Christian men are struggling in this area of leadership of their wives & families more than ever. … What legacies are we leaving behind in the conducting of our marriages & families?

Now lest you think I’m just here riding my high horse & pointing my finger – I actually find this a very confronting topic to talk about … because as I read the Scriptures & think over the issues, my own failures continually confront me. … My wife came into my office while I was preparing on Wed morning, & as we spoke she asked if I was in a bad mood, but the reality was that I was sitting there preparing & being confronted with my own failures, hating the fact, & becoming aware of changes I have to make … she just caught me in the middle of how I was feeling about that fact.

I’m not having a go at anyone – but I feel ever so strongly that we as Christian men need to step up to the plate on this one. … God commands us to. Our wives, our kids, & our society desperately need us to.

We as men should concentrate on being successful at home before we concentrate on being chief executive at work. We are leaders there first.

Now this is an extensive topic & we don’t have much time this morning, but hopefully in the next few minutes you will be encouraged to pursue your responsibilities as a husband more thoughtfully. If you’re not a husband at the moment, for any reason, perhaps you will be one day & now is the time to prepare. … Or perhaps you have been in the past & you can now take a role of continually encouraging those that are, in their responsibilities.

1. Where do we get this Idea of the Husband as Leader of His Wife?

The first question to ask, is where do we get this idea of the husband as leader of his wife?

Let’s have a quick look at a familiar passage on this topic – Eph 5:22-24

22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Saviour. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

The idea comes from the fact that the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. … In Ephesians, the term “head” carries the idea of “authority” or “leadership”. So in ch1:20-23, Christ is raised up & given all authority & rule as head over all things for the church.

The authority & rule of the “head” carries the idea of leadership. … This is not the only place it’s seen, but I think it carries the idea clear enough here.

So the husband is given the responsibility as head, or leader of his wife. … The husband doesn’t, however, replace Christ as the woman’s supreme authority, … for example she must never follow her husband’s leadership into sin.

What does it mean, then, to lead our wives?

2. What Does it Mean to Lead Our Wives?

I’ve got a list here of some of the ways people have answered this question in the past:

- The husband should make all important financial & other decisions for the relationship – Husband & wife should work together on all important decisions, but husband has final say – Husband should go out to earn daily bread & wife should stay home to bake it – Husband is the president & the wife is the vice-president – Husband should control the TV remote (no, only kidding)

There’s some suggestions that people have subscribed to in the past, but before we look at what it is, let’s first have a look at what it isn’t!

~ What it isn’t

Well, let me say, that the husband who plops himself down in front of the TV & orders his wife around like a slave has abandoned the way of Christ. John Piper says in one of his books, “Woe to the husband who thinks his maleness requires of him a domineering, demanding attitude towards his wife.”

Because our wives are instructed to submit to us, we’re not to use it as an excuse to lord it over them. … We’re not to use them to make our lives easier. Instead, we’re to use our power to benefit them. … Paul doesn’t say, “Husbands, tell your wives to submit.” Each is to work on his or her own attitude.

~ Following the pattern we’ve been given

So what are the attitudes husbands are to have? … What does it mean to lead our wives?

Well, if we’re to take the Bible seriously, then at very least it’s about following the pattern we’ve been given. That’s what Paul says in the next few verses in Ephesians 5.

25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendour, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

God created human marriage on the pattern of Christ’s relation to the church, therefore, husbands & wives should consciously copy the relationship God intended for Christ & the church. Wives should respond to their husbands in the same way that the church should respond to Christ. And husbands should lead their wives in the way Christ leads the church. That is, “Husbands love your wives as Christ loves the church & gave himself up for her.”

Wives are to respect & submit – husbands are to die. … Jesus Christ chose to submit himself to the whip, the thorns, the nails, & most significantly to the abandonment of his Father for our benefit. … That’s the example for husbands to follow. … Are you daily dying to what you want, to make sure your wife gets what she needs?

Piper makes the point that love seeks its happiness in the happiness of the beloved. … He who loves his wife loves himself. … In other words, husbands should devote the same energy & time & creativity to making their wives happy that they devote naturally to making themselves happy. … If you live for your private pleasure at the expense of your wife, you’re living against yourself & destroying your joy.

We need to remember that Jesus’ model of leadership is service (Lk 22:27). If you want to become a Christian husband, you become a servant, not a boss.

Christlike leadership from husbands is what our homes need more than anything. Servanthood doesn’t prevent leadership. … For all your gentleness & servanthood & submission to your wife’s deep desires & needs, you are still the head – the leader.

As one woman said, “Show me a man who lays down his life for his wife, & I’ll show you a wife who has no problem with submission.”

Well, that leads me to the second thing it means to lead your wife – it means taking responsibility.

~ Taking responsibility

I won’t say much about this, but marriage is a covenant. A covenant is a binding agreement between 2 parties. In the case of marriage the two are united as one with the husband as the head of the new union. He is the covenant head, & as such he is responsible for the marriage.

Again, Christ is the example we follow. … He is the head of his church & he took responsibility for it. Out of love, Jesus assumed the responsibility for the sins of his people. … He took the initiative & the responsibility by dying to save us. … In a similar fashion, husbands are to take the initiative & assume the responsibility for the state of their marriage. … As a husband, your marriage is your responsibility & it’s up to you to take the initiative for its good order.

And there’s no point complaining that it’s not fair that you have to take all the responsibility for your marriage. … Nor was it fair for Christ to assume responsibility for our sin either. … It may not be fair by our definitions – but it was just & gracious.

If you want to be a Christian husband you need to take your responsibility for your marriage seriously.

~ Not about skills but about character

Finally, leading our wives is not about skills but about character.

In Steve Farrar’s book, ‘Point Man’, he describes his dad like the deep rooted & fruitful tree of Psalm one, which is the man who meditates on God’s Word. He tells how despite his dad facing some significant set-backs during his lifetime, he remained throughout like that deep rooted tree in the leadership of his family.

He explains that it was his dad’s pattern to get up around 5:45am every morning to meet with the Lord – it was a standing appointment that he kept with the Lord everyday for more than 40 years. What will your wife & kids remember about you – how will they speak of you – a deep rooted & fruitful tree?

I was speaking to a Christian man last year who had a young son, & he was telling me how much he was wanting to be a good dad for his son. … When I asked him how he was trying to do that, he started to tell me how he had already begun to think about which school would give him the best education & had made some enquiries. He’d started putting some money aside to fund that. … He’d also begun to think & plan for the kind of experiences his son would benefit from for getting ahead.

I was a bit amazed by that response by a Christian man, & so I said to him, you know, I’m sure there are a whole bunch of things you can do for your son, but if you want to be a good dad, don’t you think that the place to start is to aim to be a good person? What school he goes to will have less impact on him than what he learns from his dad’s character.

If we want to be godly leaders of our wives we will first & foremost need to be godly men. The way we do that is by daily Bible meditation & prayer.

I’m becoming increasingly concerned about the growing tendency in Christian circles to despise & reject the well-tried practices of daily Bible reading & prayer – it’s of vital importance. … Jesus himself said that human beings live by the WOG. We’re foolish to neglect it.

I was speaking to a minister from one of our key evangelical churches here in Sydney just the other day & he had just surveyed 50 people from within his church. What he found was that only 3 people out of those 50 had a regular devotional life. … That’s staggering.

We can’t be godly men, & we won’t be godly leaders of our wives if don’t allow ourselves to be regularly shaped by the living Word of God. We do a great disservice to our wives if we are not growing in godliness. … I know plenty of guys who spend hours keeping physically fit. But if you’ve made physical exercise a higher priority than spiritual exercise, you need to change your priorities.

3. What will it Look Like?

Ok, so what will leading my wife actually look like? Well, according to verse 18 of Eph 5, a husband lovingly leading his wife is an outcome of being filled with the Spirit, so I take it that husbands should take the lead in the things of the Spirit.

Christ loved the church in a way that transformed her – she is sanctified by the Word, that she might be holy & without blemish. We are to assume the responsibility for our wife’s increasing loveliness.

We are to take the initiative in leading our wives in the study of God’s Word – we need to read the Bible with them. … We also need to lead them in a life of prayer – & not just our wives, but our kids too. … We’re also to lead our wives in a life that is devoted to God in all things – our worship of him.

We’re to lead by giving a vision for a godly Christian family life & mission – we need to shape the moral fabric of our homes. … And to do that we will need to regularly get alone with God to seek his vision & direction for our marriage & family.

None of that is of course going to be easy – it’s very hard, which is one of the reasons problems can arise that we need to be aware of & guard against.

4. Where the Problems Arise

It’s because it’s hard that this first problem arises – when husbands abdicate their God-given responsibility to lead their wives or families.

When a husband does that he not only impoverishes his wife, but he impoverishes himself.

There may be several reasons why a Christian husband might not fulfil that responsibility, but one that I’ve often seen is when a husband is intimidated by a wife who may be more intelligent. … But intelligence doesn’t prevent a Christian wife from submitting, nor should it prevent a husband from leading.

Leadership is not about being intellectually superior. … Any man with a zeal to obey the WOG can be a leader of his wife – again, it’s about initiative & responsibility.

Finally, theirs just one other problem I want to point out. The problem is faulty thinking – instead of seeing ourselves as a covenant unity with the husband as the head, we start to see ourselves as separate individuals watching out for ourselves.

The problem is that husband & wife become adversaries. But a husband can’t simply blame his wife anymore than a thief can blame his hands. It fails to see our responsibility for the fabric of our union.

Can you imagine Christ murmuring against his wife to the Father – “That woman you gave me!” … Imagine Christ blaming the church – pointing an accusing finger. … Or try to picture Christ wishing he were with someone else – it’s absurd!

Christ loved the church in a way that transformed her. … We need to assume responsibility for our wife’s increasing loveliness.

References Used
Steve Farrar, ‘Point Man – How a Man Can Lead His Family’
John Piper, ‘Desiring God’
Douglas Wilson, ‘Federal Husband’

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